not nice.
a few thoughts on the expectation of niceness + a quick saturday update
Hi friend,
It’s been quite the week for me - so thank pardon the delay in getting this to you. Today’s letter will be abbreviated since I’m sure you’re probably enjoying your weekend.
Let’s jump in.
thoughts at large.
This week the chickens came to roost for Lizzo, or at least it seems like they did. She’s been named in a lawsuit that alleges that she created a hostile work environment for her team - specifically her dancers. There are allegations of everything from body shaming to sexual harassment.
Since the news broke, there have been even more people who’ve come out to share their negative interactions with her as a boss, or as a person. And while the lawsuit alleges a lot, this is the part that I want to focus on, the idea that Lizzo was mean to people on her tour.
I won’t lie to you when I heard about this - I wasn’t as shocked as everyone else. Lizzo doesn’t strike me as a “nice” girl, and that’s not a knock. She doesn’t owe anyone niceness.
Don’t get it twisted - I don’t believe anyone should be subjected to disrespect, but no one is required to be nice to you. I think that Black women are unfairly subjected to expectations of being nice, especially in the workplace. Many of us have had to duck and dodge the “angry Black woman” trope when we’ve expressed displeasure, or when we’re demanding excellence from those around us. We’re held to a different standard than our non-Black and non-female counterparts, and it forces us into tough positions, especially when we’re in spaces that we already don’t feel safe in. Let me be clear, I don’t think that just because white men and non-Black women can be unrelenting and sometimes rude in the name of being demanding, that means that gives us space to do the same. No. I’m saying that scales are unbalanced and that we’re expected to move like we’re just happy to have been given opportunities that we actually earned. We belong and should have the space to express what needs to be expressed without the fear of being ostracized.
Niceness is a tool we develop as a defense mechanism. Being nice is centered around the path of least resistance, not wanting to rock the boat, and is oftentimes presented in hopes that an outside party will like you. It can be disingenuous. Kindness on the other hand requires honesty and vulnerability.
Women, in general, are socialized to put the needs of others first. This starts when we’re kids, and as a result, there are many of us who have trouble expressing what we want at the risk of causing someone else discomfort. Instead, we find ourselves adjusting, making concessions and eventually find ourselves unfulfilled. In business - this can lead to burnout, and in personal relationships, it manifests in similar ways. So what’s the resolution?
We have to be able to release the need to control others’ impressions of us. It’s not our responsibility. We DO have a responsibility to ourselves to ensure that we’re being true to our needs and desires and being willing to embrace discomfort in the name of honesty. Let’s work on that, friend.
By the way, from a communications perspective, I think Lizzo will be fine. In fact, I think that she’ll come out of this situation even bolder and even more unapologetic (that is if the harassment and assault allegations are proven to be unfounded.) As this continues to unfold, I just hope that we remember that we have a responsibility to ourselves first and that we should be unapologetic in our requests to get our needs met.
check this out.
This week The Chi returned for season 6 and I’m not going to hold you, the first episode has me hooked right back in. It’s amazing to me that Kevin, Jake & Papa are so grown, and that Emmett has grown into this impressive entrepreneur. I’m sure this season will be full of twists and turns, and I’m locked in for the ride. The Chi is available on Paramount+ and Showtime.
Kevin Hart had The Rock on his show “Hart to Heart” this week. I found the conversation to be honest and refreshing. In the clip above they discuss Black Adam, and the reasons why it’s not continuing. Watch the whole thing on Peacock.
Ciara & Chris Brown are back together with a new song called “How We Roll”, which will be featured on Ciara’s upcoming EP “CiCi” - scheduled to be released on 8/18. I know people feel a way about Chris Brown but he’s my problematic fave. I still hate that we didn’t get the opportunity to see these two pay tribute to Michael Jackson at the 2022 American Music Awards as we were supposed to.
Speaking of new music, on The Update Weekly playlist you’ll find Halle Bailey’s debut solo single “Angel” plus new music from Usher with Summer Walker & 21 Savage, Snoh Alegra, and more. Grab it here on Apple Music or Spotify.
That’s all for this week. Happy Saturday - and I’ll see you next week for more.