lovers & friends.
thoughts on love & singleness + reads & vibes for your v-day weekend.
We made it to FRIDAY! Lot’s to talk about today so let’s jump right in!
thoughts at large.
You know Valentine’s Day is next week, right? It’s hard to escape (thanks to marketing and capitalism,) and when you’re single, the realization of being solo is only amplified on February 14th. It can be tough if your perspective is out of focus. That’s why I wanted to talk to you about it today!
For background, I’m single, mostly based on choices that I’ve made for myself. In my twenties (and into my thirties,) I was hyper-focused on achievement. I wanted a job, I got it. I wanted a degree, and I got two. I wanted a house, I bought it. I do not regret it at all. I think this experience has made me a more well-rounded person.
If I’m honest though, for a lot of that time, I was unbalanced. I didn’t have a lot of mental or emotional space to sustain a relationship of any kind, let alone, a romantic one.
Instead, I found myself in a cycle of situation-ships. I wound up in a lot of “talking stages” with guys I had no business spending time with, either out of boredom or in an attempt to fulfill a desire that I didn’t have the emotional capacity to sustain. Frustrating to say the least. So I decided to make a few changes.
In order for you to really be able to embrace what you want in life, you have to understand, acknowledge, and embrace who you are and the things that make you you. I have spent time getting to know myself - and understanding what I want without the pressure of taking into account what people think I should want, or who I should be with.
And now, I’m in a good place. That’s part of the reason why I don’t feel any negativity around Valentine’s Day - because I’m choosing to focus on the beauty of possibility.
Last week I listened to Lovers & Friends with Shan Boodram, a podcast I really enjoy. Her guest on the episode was Glo Atanmo, a designer and travel influencer. The topic of the episode is about finding “your person” and how Glo decided that she wanted to make her next great adventure a person.
I thought the episode was really great because it’s a perspective that I don’t think is often shared. There’s a lot of negative conversation around love and relationships online, but I felt Glo’s approach was practical, logical, and good for her.
A couple of quick thoughts:
Do Black women have to leave America to find themselves and find love? Glo said yes. I’m going to say not necessarily. Although I haven’t found the love that I really desire, I’ve SEEN it. I’ve seen friends and acquaintances be loved out loud, loved deeply, and appreciated for who they are - right here in the USA, by Black men. I do think travel opens you up to things you may not experience at home, but I don’t think it’s absolute. You can find yourself if you make the decision to do so.
Glo said that she analyzes her matches based on alignment, availability, and attraction - in that order. And I get that, but I just don’t think that works for me. If I’m not attracted to you it doesn’t really matter to me if we’re aligned. That’s me being really honest. There are a lot of available men, but that doesn’t negate the dustiness. I’m just being honest. It all works together.
The beauty of where I am right now is that I’m finally in a place where I’m open and ready to receive the love that I desire for myself. This has come from me getting to know myself for who I really am, and that’s been a journey in itself.
Here are a few truths that I’ve embraced about myself along the way.
I am a lover girl. I love soft, sweet, romantic stories, music & movies. I love giving thoughtful gifts. I love seeing the people that I care about happy. I am not embarrassed about that - and I will not apologize for it.
I love deeply. I love fully. I’m invested. I’m all the way in. I’m infinitely supportive & nurturing. I’m locked in. That could be a lot, but the person who needs it will embrace it, not reject it.
I do not see marriage as a reward, although I grew up in a culture that made it seem that way. My value is not lowered because I’m not partnered. Being single is not a punishment, in fact, most days I’m glad I don’t have to deal with the responsibility and drama that comes with being married 😂. I’ve seen marriage work, and I’ve seen it fail. It’s not for everyone, and that’s okay.
I’m sharing all of this to encourage you. Wherever you are, whether you’re single, or in a relationship, married, divorced or indifferent - your first love (after God, if you believe) should be you. Take the time you need to get to know who you are. Identify what makes you smile, what makes you excited, and what gets you going in the morning. Do more of those things. Love on yourself. Let’s let our greatest love story be the one we create with ourselves.
Happy Valentine’s Day, friend. (Also - my DMs are open. 😉 )
reads & vibes.
“I can’t find love” – 20 things to remember if you feel this is you by Lachlan Brown [As mentioned in the Lovers & Friends episode mentioned above]
SZA’s Ruination Brought Her Everything by Danyel Smith [this is a SUPER long read, but it’s a beautiful profile on SZA written by one of my favorite journalists of all time. Find a quote below that really stuck with me:]
“I have to just keep showing people and teaching people who I am,” she said from a cleft in her couch. “People always want to keep me in a reductive space.”
The Grammys Call Dr. Dre an Icon. Dee Barnes Calls Him an Abuser by Mankaprr Conteh [I thought it was a wild choice for The Grammys to name an award after Dr. Dre considering his history. This story on Dee Barnes is an example.]
Speaking of The Grammys, I made a TikTok to talk about why Beyonce did not win album of the year:
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Love Is Blind: After The Altar is available now to stream on Netflix! I haven’t watched yet but I’m interested in seeing what the couples are up to from this most recent season.
A series I really enjoyed on YouTube, First, is now a feature film. I watched this series consistently and I’m so excited to see it in long form. If you’ve never seen the series, start here. The trailer for the film is below.
As promised. I wanted to share my Certified Lover Girl playlist with you. This is a playlist of love songs (not about breakups or sex) sung by women. Grab it here on Spotify or Apple Music.
Don’t forget, we have a 13-minute Rihanna concert to watch on Sunday. The opening and closing act is some NFL game, I think. 😆
That’s it for this week! See you soon!
